Christmas Woes

Hello all!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was uneventful, but it was fun spending time at my sister's house.

It's about 2 weeks(!!) until Christmas, and I'm feeling the single-itus being the only single person in my immediate family. It has got me thinking and reflecting on some things, which in turn has got me to start spiraling into the self-pity and I'm trying really hard to avoid that. So, I'm going to just start typing what is in my mind without any filtering and to see if anyone may feel the same.


I have been single for over 6 years now. My last relationship ended with me being dumped the day before my birthday, and thus ruining what should be an amazing and exciting time for me and turning it into something painful. I know that it's been a long time since this has happened, but it's not something that you can get over easily. When this happened, I had been so excited to celebrate my birthday, and not only that, but celebrate it WITH someone other than friends and family. I don't even know if he understands just how much damage he did to me.
The one thing that I remember from that horrible day is my niece, who is now 10, asking me why I'm crying and I told her "I just found out that someone that I really like doesn't want to be my friend anymore." and she gave me a big hug, my mom gave me a hug and I went to my room and pretty much cried the entire night. I just wanted to curl up into a little ball have that ache in my chest go away.
For the longest time, and even still a little bit now, I ask myself what I did wrong, why did it happen, and what's wrong with me, since I have been the only common denominator in all of the relationship equations. I know what you're thinking: "You just haven't found the right guy!" "You can do so much better than him!" "You are a great person, they just can't see that!" or my favorite "I know it's hard sometimes, but it'll get better!". You may be right on some of those, but just by telling someone these things does not mean that it changes their thinking or how they view themselves, especially when it comes to relationships.
Ever since then, I don't think I've been the same. I've had a hard time connecting with people, especially people that may be dating material. I think that I've been on about 5 real dates in the last 6 years. I've been trying to connect with people, but whenever I get close, my body seems to sabotage it and not let me get close to someone.
Christmas and the Holidays are the worst for someone like me, though. I almost always have that aching hole in my chest, but sometimes I'm able to ignore it or it heals a little bit and I think it's better and than BOOM it comes back and I feel like someone just punched right in the middle of my chest, all the way through, and then just walked away. It had reopened recently because I found out a couple months ago that this ex has a new girlfriend and my friends knew about it and didn't tell me, or warn me that BOTH of them were coming to a party. I'm not sure how to heal this aching hole, or to even begin to heal it. I have no idea what this hole even means. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and why my body can't just get over it already and figure itself out.
Believe me, I've tried to figure it out. If you have an answer as to what this is, please enlighten me!

What does all of this chatter have to do with my bucket list? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I just really needed to get some stuff off of my chest and actually be able to say some of the things that I've been holding in.


On a happier note: What are your plans for Christmas? If you don't celebrate Christmas, what do you celebrate and what do you do? Please post a comment below, or comment on the post that this is shared!


If you have made it all the way to here, give yourself a pat on the back and go get a treat!

-A