Christmas Woes

Hello all!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was uneventful, but it was fun spending time at my sister's house.

It's about 2 weeks(!!) until Christmas, and I'm feeling the single-itus being the only single person in my immediate family. It has got me thinking and reflecting on some things, which in turn has got me to start spiraling into the self-pity and I'm trying really hard to avoid that. So, I'm going to just start typing what is in my mind without any filtering and to see if anyone may feel the same.


I have been single for over 6 years now. My last relationship ended with me being dumped the day before my birthday, and thus ruining what should be an amazing and exciting time for me and turning it into something painful. I know that it's been a long time since this has happened, but it's not something that you can get over easily. When this happened, I had been so excited to celebrate my birthday, and not only that, but celebrate it WITH someone other than friends and family. I don't even know if he understands just how much damage he did to me.
The one thing that I remember from that horrible day is my niece, who is now 10, asking me why I'm crying and I told her "I just found out that someone that I really like doesn't want to be my friend anymore." and she gave me a big hug, my mom gave me a hug and I went to my room and pretty much cried the entire night. I just wanted to curl up into a little ball have that ache in my chest go away.
For the longest time, and even still a little bit now, I ask myself what I did wrong, why did it happen, and what's wrong with me, since I have been the only common denominator in all of the relationship equations. I know what you're thinking: "You just haven't found the right guy!" "You can do so much better than him!" "You are a great person, they just can't see that!" or my favorite "I know it's hard sometimes, but it'll get better!". You may be right on some of those, but just by telling someone these things does not mean that it changes their thinking or how they view themselves, especially when it comes to relationships.
Ever since then, I don't think I've been the same. I've had a hard time connecting with people, especially people that may be dating material. I think that I've been on about 5 real dates in the last 6 years. I've been trying to connect with people, but whenever I get close, my body seems to sabotage it and not let me get close to someone.
Christmas and the Holidays are the worst for someone like me, though. I almost always have that aching hole in my chest, but sometimes I'm able to ignore it or it heals a little bit and I think it's better and than BOOM it comes back and I feel like someone just punched right in the middle of my chest, all the way through, and then just walked away. It had reopened recently because I found out a couple months ago that this ex has a new girlfriend and my friends knew about it and didn't tell me, or warn me that BOTH of them were coming to a party. I'm not sure how to heal this aching hole, or to even begin to heal it. I have no idea what this hole even means. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and why my body can't just get over it already and figure itself out.
Believe me, I've tried to figure it out. If you have an answer as to what this is, please enlighten me!

What does all of this chatter have to do with my bucket list? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I just really needed to get some stuff off of my chest and actually be able to say some of the things that I've been holding in.


On a happier note: What are your plans for Christmas? If you don't celebrate Christmas, what do you celebrate and what do you do? Please post a comment below, or comment on the post that this is shared!


If you have made it all the way to here, give yourself a pat on the back and go get a treat!

-A

Time and reflection go hand in hand

Wow, i haven't posted in over 2 months.

I have been busy with school and work and planning a birthday/graduation party. I will be officially done with school in 14 days. I'm really excited to finally be done.

While I sit here in my bed, with my cats snuggling by my feet, I am so happy to be done with school. I started right after High School, 9 years ago. I thought I wanted to be an interior designer, so I went to school for graphic design thinking it was the same thing. Turns out it is not.
After wasting a whole year on a degree I wanted to do, I changed to Administrative Assistant A.A.S, with a diploma in Medical Office Assistant. I really wanted to do what my mom did.
In my second year of school, I thought that a boy was more important than school, and got on academic probabtion, then suspension for the Spring semester. Only being allowed to return in the fall at part-time, I realized that school was more important than anything and worked to finally get my degree, all while working a full-time job.
I finished my associates degree 3 years later, and decided to take a year off to work and see if I wanted to go and get my bachelors. I decided to go back and finish what I started. Now, after working really hard, taking MORE than the max credits per semester, working full-time and trying to have a semi social life, I am proud to say that I am so close to being done that I can taste it.

I have been able to do a lot of different things, and learn so many different things.
I have experienced heartbreak, loss of loved ones, gain of loved ones, my first ever move, and many other firsts that have shaped my life to what it is today. I am ready for more firsts and for someone to share my life with.

I want to thank everyone who has helped me on my journey, and put up with me, I wouldn't be here without you all. Especially my family, immediate and extended, who have supported me no matter what I wanted to do.

Here is to hoping the next couple of weeks go by quickly!! <3

-A

Sorry guys

So, I haven't been doing much lately since I've been sick and not able to breath well. Here's why:

There are a couple of people that live in my building that smoke right outside of the door, under the covered entrance into the building. Such as this:

I have started to take pictures of the people who have been doing it, and I haven't been sneaky about it in any way. However, they continue to smoke where their second-hand smoke comes right into our windows and patio door. The smoke has been irritating my lungs and is impeding my ability to breath!

While I appreciate that they abide to the no smoking law and not smoke in their apartments, smoking right outside of the building impacts the tenants that live right by the front door immediately.

I have contacted my management twice so far, indicating that it is disruptive and it causes my asthma symptoms to act up. They have pretty much done nothing in regards to this and have only offered to send out an email to remind people to try and move away from the building when they smoke. 

So, I haven't been running or doing any exercises recently because I haven't been able to breath well. I kind of like breathing. So, my next step is to see what kind of organizations are in Minnesota that can help me and see what other steps I can take.

I promise I will do better, guys.

To lighten the mood, here's a picture of me from the NKOTB concert last week!

-A

In need of some motivation

I'm in need of some motivation and company.

I need to get some items to help finish some of the items on my bucket list, and I'm hoping that some people will point me in the right direction to get these items.

I need help with finding:

• Someone with a tree house who would be willing to hang out with me.
• A good place to rent a canoe for a day and people to go with me.
• Someone who has a slackline or how to go about learning to do that.
• A good place to find butterflies.
• Someone who has cows and would be willing to teach me how to hand-milk one.
• Someone who is willing to go and hang out in a graveyard with me.
• Somewhere where I can rent gear AND learn to SCUBA. The places that I've seen online in the Twin Cities, you have to buy some of the gear.
• Someone who would be willing to teach me how to snorkel.
• Someone wish knowledge of when the next meteor shower is.
• A place that would be good to learn to shoot a gun.
• Figuring out what a box kite is!
• A local place that does bungee jumping.
• A place that is good for dance classes, like the Salsa and Tango, and to go with me.
• A good company that would do dog sledding.
• Someone to go with me to the MIA.
• A group of friends to go tailgating with (no need to actually go to the game)
• Someone with a motorcycle.
• A group of friends who want to go paint balling.
• Someone who has a boat and water skis, so I can learn how to water ski.

I hope that this helps be clear what I need assistance with. Just recommendations would be great, so I at least KNOW where to start.

THANKS!

-A

Update

So, I have been a little busy with the end of the semester and all, but I have been working on some of the items on my list. Such as:

I have bought a sky-diving Groupon to go sky-diving with my cousin.
I have registered for my last class, which I will be completing this Summer and then I will be done with my bachelors. (super excited)
I have my first 5k tomorrow (May 10th), that I will be trying to run the whole thing.
I put 5 inspirational messages inside books at my local Barnes and Nobles, in hopes that people will buy the books, find the pieces of paper and feel good.

I'm still looking for people to help me with some of the things on my list, even if it's recommendations on where I should start looking or where I should go to do the activity.

I'm looking forward to having some more of this "free time" everyone keeps talking about, and exploring some new "hobbies" (whatever those are).

Now, I'm going to bed before a big day tomorrow!

-A

Book signing

On February 15th, there was a special screening of The Princess Bride movie and a book signing by Cary Elwes (aka Wesley). It was my FIRST book signing, which was on my list. I went with some of my friends and my sister.

The showing of the movie was scheduled to start at noon, and the passing out of the wristbands that allowed you into the theater started at 11am. We got to the Mall of America (where it was showing) around 9am, and there was already almost 200 people in line. We sat down and got as comfortable as possible on a hard, marble floor. My sister and I went to get coffee and some food, which took way longer than expected. When we got back, our other friend, who was supposed to meet us there, still hadn't shown up and it was after 10am.

The wristband!

By around 11, everyone started to stand up and get ready to start moving and our friend still hadn't shown up. When we were almost to the front of the line, our friend FINALLY showed up. We got our wristbands and made our way to the theater and got seats.

Crappy picture of all of us

We watched the movie with a whole theater full of Princess Bride fans. It was pretty awesome. We thought that the book signing was going to be at another location, so we started to leave, when they told us to go back and sit down. Cary Elwes was going to answer questions.

He gave pretty much everyone a hug that asked a question, and I have a video of him whispering "as you wish" into a woman's ear (that I can post if you would like me to). I really wanted to ask him a question, JUST to get a hug from him, but I didn't really have a question to ask him.

After the questions, they let people file out to get their books signed. They weren't allowing pictures when we were waiting in line, but my sister actually got a good picture just by holding up her phone by her pocket. She was in front of my and got her book signed first. Then it was me.

That's when I LOST MY SHIT.

I was freaking out when he started to sign my book, so much so that he said "calm down, it's okay" and GAVE ME A HUG! I almost couldn't believe it and I couldn't even believe that any of this was happening! Afterwards, my sister shared that she was trying to get a nice close-up picture of him and got the whole interaction ON CAMERA.

When we got down to the exit, I was still freaking out, and I was crying. No idea where that came from. I had basically just met the first real-life Prince Charming that I had ever seen in a movie, so no reason to freak out at all!

Needless to say, that was probably the best day that I have had in a very long time, and it was a really good start to my week. Thank you for all that came out that day with me, and thank you to my sister who took those pictures and then sent them to me. I'm hoping that this will be an indication of how this year will be!

-A

THE HUG!

Right afterwards

He finished signing my book

Me freaking out

This Weekend

I have this weekend off(gasp!), and I'd like to go and do something.

So, I've decided that I'm going to go to either Eden Prairie Center or the Mall of America on 1 of the days and spend some time trying to get some of the items on my list done.

The biggest ones I would like to do are:
- High-five 5 complete strangers
- Leave 5 inspirational messages anonymously in public places (I mostly want to try and put them inside of some books)
- Get a book signed by the author
- Stalk a stranger
- Write a letter to myself and open it up in 5-10 years

If anyone would like to join me, or help me with any of these, please let me know and contact me to meet up. It would be so much more fun if I wasn't alone, wandering through a mall.

-A

This year in review... (with possible controversial content)

So, I have decided to kind of sum up 2014 on here. I'm going to warn you, 2014 kinda* sucked, and I'm going to just talk about EVERYTHING, even the drama. So, don't get offended, since no names are going to be listed.

My year started out with losing my cousin. She was 24 years old.

January and February continued with lots of drama, both personal and professional. I got bitched out over stupid stuff on social media by others who were grieving, and the issue was never resolved. My job got a new Pharmacy Manager, a new Team Lead, and multiple turn-overs in our department within the first few months.

In March, I thought I was getting better, by allowing myself to celebrate St. Patrick's Day (my cousin's birthday), and also allowing myself to open up and get a little comfortable with a guy that I was dating. Big mistake. The guy dumped me via Facebook Messenger early April.

Late April, early May brought an semi-impromptu trip to Mexico for a comedy festival. It was probably the best thing I decided to do. I feel like I was channeling my cousin when I booked the trip.

Late May, my oldest sister welcomed her third daughter. Also, my cousin got married, and it was a beautiful ceremony and beautiful event that was the first happy event for that side of my family since my cousin's death. The night ended with me puking my stomach out outside of the hotel, so I guess I would call it a good night!

June and July kind of blended together, with a reception for one of my good friends' wedding that they had when they went and eloped in Las Vegas on January 1st. Also, there was girls weekend.

August, I celebrated my birthday. It was a bit bittersweet with not being able to have my cousin with me, and not very many people came out to celebrate it with me. Other than that, I had a good night.

September through November kind of flew by, with school, work and trying to work on myself. There was some family drama that happened at Thanksgiving, but that's to be expected with almost all families.

December, was the second worst month this year. I lost 2 friends. One, to complications after falling off of a pyramid in Mexico**, and another to an accidental overdose which none of us knew about, not even his best friends. The Twin Cities comedy scene is a lot less funny now that they are gone.

I didn't get as much done as I would've wanted this year, but I am going to be rolling over my bucket list to 2015, and continue to do those items on the list.

****************************

If I had to put my year into the context of food, I would have to say that my year was kind of like baking cookies: It sucks when you have to mix all the ingredients together and wait for them to be ready, is wonderful when you get to eat them and enjoy the deliciousness of them, then sucks again when they are all gone.

I started the year with hopes that it would be amazing. Some parts were. Some parts weren't. I'm grateful for what I have, and I'm thankful that I have accumulated many great friends that have helped me through a rough year. Thank you.

-A


Links to the Obituaries of my friends/cousin that passed this year: #1 #2 #3

* Kinda = REALLY.
** Yes, you read that correctly.

Another one bites the dust

I got my tattoo. For Erin. The last thing that I'll probably get done that was on my list this year.

This is a picture of it RIGHT after I got it done on Friday, December 26th. I had a friend come with me, and it was fine otherwise. I am falling in love with it more and more every time I look at it.

My aunt also gave all of us girls a home blown glass bead that has some of Erin's ashes in it, along with a necklace to put it on if we want to. They are beautiful and it was probably my BEST gift this year.

I'm disappointed that I didn't get more done on my list this year, but I have decided to roll it over to next year and continue with this blog to document the rest of the items on the list that I didn't get done.

I will write another post reflecting on this year in the next few days...

-A

Japanese Lantern Lighting Festival

So, this is a little late, but I was able to go to the Japanese Lantern Lighting Festival on August 17th with Lindsay. It was an amazing day, although it rained for almost the whole time we were there.

The sights were amazing, and I wished they had done the flying ones as well, but they couldn't because it had been raining. I will post some more pictures below of the whole experience. We even got to see a professional Taiko Drumming group perform. They were really good.

Another one bites the dust!

-A

Me and Lindsay getting front row seats!

Before it was dark enough to see the light from the lanterns...

The Conservatory at night

The Tale of Mexico and The Land of The Heartbroken

So, I went to Mexico. It was amazing. It only rained 2 times while we were down there, and one of the days was the last day that we were there. I met a lot of new people and I believe that they will be great friends!

Marial and I didn't get to go snorkeling or anything while we were down there, but I did drink out of a real coconut!! It was amazing!! The stars were amazing as well!!

Anyways, I have taken a little bit of time off of my list since I got sick last month, but now I'm going to try and get back into the groove of folding more origami cranes and lining up more of my bucket list events. I'm hoping to get some more stuff done now that I'm out of school for the summer.

Again, if anyone would like to do any of the things with me, or help fund me for the things, I would be most appreciative!! I have been trying to get money together to buy a new bed, but that's slow-going. Any help would be great!!

Anyways, I'm off to go and do stuff on a very rare day off!!

-A

Reflection

As I was walking out of the car towards my mexican hotel room for the last time, it struck me: the biggest thing that I will miss is the stars. You can see so many of those stars in Akumal, Mexico, and the more you stare up into the abyss that is space, you see more and more little tiny stars that are so far away.
I just had to stand there for a second and look up at the stars and put my life into perspective. We are such a small speck that is in this galaxy and there are people out there that are probably thinking the same exact thing, and wanting to reach out to the other planets. It's so amazing to think that all those mini specks in the sky above us could be another world that we don't even know. Or by the time we are actually seeing the light from it, that star could be dead.
I know this sounds kinda "heavy", but I've always loved staring off into the sky and just being able to see the stars and be able to find your bearings from that. That was amazing to be able to do that while down here.

Unfortunately, I was unable to go snorkeling and see the sea turtles because it was raining on the afternoon of our last day here, but I have made many memories and I will share them when I get home tomorrow.

-A

T-Minus 7 Days!

I leave for Mexico next Tuesday morning, and I'm super excited to go there.

I am staying with a friend, and I'm hoping to be feeling a lot better to be able to do some things on my bucket list, like swim with a dolphin and possibly scuba dive or even go snorkeling. I have looked into it and I'm hoping to get some input on her part to see which, if any, she would like to go and do while we're there.

I've been sick in the last few weeks with pneumonia and I'm JUST not starting to feel like myself again, which is awesome.

Mother Nature has finally figured out that it is spring now and so it's been getting nicer outside and we're able to have the windows open all day. It's amazing!

Lastly, if anyone has any suggestions on what we should do while in Akumal, that would be great to know of stuff to do! Thanks in advance!

-A

Leather working

Last Saturday, me and my crafting friends went to a Basic Tooling class at Tandy Leather in Roseville.
It was kind of added onto my bucket list, and we made this:

The markings on the outside of the flower were for practice!

It was super fun and I want to do something like this every single week. I really need to do more artistic things. I'm going to try and get on this bucket list for this year, and start purchasing some classes and stuff! I have even purchased a Groupon for 3 aerial fitness classes. I'm super excited to start using that!

Anyways... been busy with school and work and hopefully I will be able to do more in the near future!

-A

Hudson hot air affair

The other weekend, I was able to go to a hot air balloon festival in Hudson, Wisconsin with my crafting friends (Katie, Lindsay and Janessa). It was amazingly awesome, although it was a bit cold.
I also was able to play the card game Cards Against Humanity with my friends in Culvers. It was a delightful time!!
One more thing checked off!!!
-A

Saint Paul winter carnival

Went with my friend today, and went to the Saint Paul Winter Carnival. Had a lot of fun! Froze my butt off, and didn't realize that I didn't have my debit card with me until we got there. However, I crossed off 1 thing off of my list!!
In the next few weeks, I will be crossing more stuff off!!
-A