Christmas Woes

Hello all!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was uneventful, but it was fun spending time at my sister's house.

It's about 2 weeks(!!) until Christmas, and I'm feeling the single-itus being the only single person in my immediate family. It has got me thinking and reflecting on some things, which in turn has got me to start spiraling into the self-pity and I'm trying really hard to avoid that. So, I'm going to just start typing what is in my mind without any filtering and to see if anyone may feel the same.


I have been single for over 6 years now. My last relationship ended with me being dumped the day before my birthday, and thus ruining what should be an amazing and exciting time for me and turning it into something painful. I know that it's been a long time since this has happened, but it's not something that you can get over easily. When this happened, I had been so excited to celebrate my birthday, and not only that, but celebrate it WITH someone other than friends and family. I don't even know if he understands just how much damage he did to me.
The one thing that I remember from that horrible day is my niece, who is now 10, asking me why I'm crying and I told her "I just found out that someone that I really like doesn't want to be my friend anymore." and she gave me a big hug, my mom gave me a hug and I went to my room and pretty much cried the entire night. I just wanted to curl up into a little ball have that ache in my chest go away.
For the longest time, and even still a little bit now, I ask myself what I did wrong, why did it happen, and what's wrong with me, since I have been the only common denominator in all of the relationship equations. I know what you're thinking: "You just haven't found the right guy!" "You can do so much better than him!" "You are a great person, they just can't see that!" or my favorite "I know it's hard sometimes, but it'll get better!". You may be right on some of those, but just by telling someone these things does not mean that it changes their thinking or how they view themselves, especially when it comes to relationships.
Ever since then, I don't think I've been the same. I've had a hard time connecting with people, especially people that may be dating material. I think that I've been on about 5 real dates in the last 6 years. I've been trying to connect with people, but whenever I get close, my body seems to sabotage it and not let me get close to someone.
Christmas and the Holidays are the worst for someone like me, though. I almost always have that aching hole in my chest, but sometimes I'm able to ignore it or it heals a little bit and I think it's better and than BOOM it comes back and I feel like someone just punched right in the middle of my chest, all the way through, and then just walked away. It had reopened recently because I found out a couple months ago that this ex has a new girlfriend and my friends knew about it and didn't tell me, or warn me that BOTH of them were coming to a party. I'm not sure how to heal this aching hole, or to even begin to heal it. I have no idea what this hole even means. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and why my body can't just get over it already and figure itself out.
Believe me, I've tried to figure it out. If you have an answer as to what this is, please enlighten me!

What does all of this chatter have to do with my bucket list? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I just really needed to get some stuff off of my chest and actually be able to say some of the things that I've been holding in.


On a happier note: What are your plans for Christmas? If you don't celebrate Christmas, what do you celebrate and what do you do? Please post a comment below, or comment on the post that this is shared!


If you have made it all the way to here, give yourself a pat on the back and go get a treat!

-A

I need help making a decision

Hello readers!

I have been busy the last couple of weeks with work and this past week, I've been off of work and working on cleaning and organizing my house. Now that I have gotten my house (kind of) in order, I need some help making a decision!

As some of you may know, a couple years ago I got a tattoo of a fox on my right wrist.

The fox is a representation of my cousin, Erin, who passed unexpectedly earlier that year. Since then, I've been wanting another tattoo on my left wrist, but I wasn't really sure what I wanted to have until about a year ago. I realized that I wanted to have a cat on my left wrist, to represent myself since I already have my cousin represented on my other wrist. This is where you come in!!

I have a couple different designs that I have been looking at, but I would like some opinions since there are SO many different designs that are out there and I can't decide!

First of all, I'm not sure if it would look weird or good if I chose a style that was similar to the fox, or if I should chose a completely different style.

Here are my choices:

1

2

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5

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7

My last option is to have the tattoo artist draw up a portrait of one of my real cats and put it on my wrist. It would probably be one of my dead cats, Oscar, since he was so photogenic and I have some really pretty pictures of him.

Please let me know which picture best embodies my and my personality!


-A

Complete Update

Hi everybody!

This post is going to be quite long, since this is going to be a complete update about what has happened, and information on everything that has happened.

For those of you who do not know me in real life, or are not friends with me on Facebook, here's basically what has been happening since my last summary post in May.

What has happened this year:

• Left my job of 9 years for another position within the company
• Bought a condo
• Moved out from living with my parents
• Started going back to the gym on a regular basis
• Actually started taking online dating seriously to find someone
• Turned 30

I'm going to expand on each bullet point and explain exactly what happened or what I did.

Left my job of 9 years for another position within the company

For the past 9 years, I have been working as a pharmacy technician at a retail pharmacy. I have really enjoyed it and it has allowed me flexibility with my schedule when I was in school, and when I needed to make appointments, etc. While I really enjoyed my job, it was at a REALLY busy pharmacy, so much so that I was feeling very burnt out and like everyday that I can home all I wanted to do was sit and stare straight ahead. Which I did. A lot.

Then all of a sudden I got word that a new position had opened up. Completely different side of the business, but I would still be training new hires and trying to teach them everything that I have learned the last 9 years. I applied for it, with help from some of the Pharmacy Supervisors and higher-ups to make sure that I was going for the right thing. It took them about 2-3 weeks to actually get back to me about it, and I spent so much time worrying, checking my email, talking to my friends higher up to see if they knew anything, and trying really hard to not just walk out or tell everyone.

I (obviously) got the job, and I've been in it since March. It's much slower paced than the pharmacy, I have my own company computer and I have learned that speaking in front of a small group of people is not the end of the world. My current manager knows that this is NOT where I see myself ending up, and that I would love to go higher up within the company. I was fully transparent in the sense, and that I will do whatever I need to do to improve myself so that I can have a chance to actually move up within the company.

Bought a condo/Moved out from living with my parents

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but I will tell a little story. Our (my parents and I) lease was up for our apartment at the end of July, they were raising the rent and adding a bunch of extra fees, so we all decided it was time to move and it was time us to buy. I started looking right around the time that I was applying for the new job, and when I found out where I was going to be located, my realtor and I were able to narrow down the search to Dakota County. I really wanted a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom place, and since I didn't want a house and would be living alone, there wasn't much in the way of properties. Just when I was ready to give up on getting the 2 bathrooms, I went and saw a place in Eagan. It needed some work, but it basically had everything that I was looking for and more. Since there was many things "wrong" with it, I couldn't say yes right away, but I went home and talked with my parents about it and after talking it through, I realized that I probably wasn't going to see anything quite like this again, and it had everything that I was asking for. I told my realtor to put an offer on it. 

I got the place, and I was able to get it at a really good price! 👍👊👍

Started going back to the gym on a regular basis
I hadn't been to the gym since around February, and I realized that now that I had a new job with a semi-set schedule and it was a job that I was sitting around a lot more. Since I was sitting more, I wasn't as active as before and I realized I needed to get back to the gym.
Also, I had accidentally been paying for 5 sessions of personal training sessions for the last 6 months, so I had over 30 sessions banked and asking to use! So, I made an appointment with a personal trainer. He seriously almost killed me the first day, but I feel like I've been making SOME progress with it all, but I need to get my nutrition in check!


Actually started taking online dating seriously to find someone
So, I've had online dating profiles for quite some time, and I've been serious about using them on and off for the last 4-5 years. Since I finally had this weird this called "free time," I decided that it was time for me to actually take it seriously and try to find someone.
At the very least, I'm going to work on myself hardcore and make sure that I'm emotionally and mentally ready for a relationship. Ever since my last real relationship, where I got broken up with the day before my birthday, I've been "broken" and unable to actually try and be with someone. I don't think it helped that I've had a lot of horrible things happen in my life since then that have just damaged me more. (And yes, I've gone to therapy and talked to someone about this. I'm to the point of going to a hypnotist or some other type of person that can try and release me from this barrier I've put on myself)


Turned 30

This is kind of self-explanatory, but this was actually a big deal for me. I was hoping that by the time I was 30, I would be married and have a house and a wonderful job where I could travel and enjoy life. Boy, was I wrong! However, I have realized that I can't have these unrealistic expectations on myself or on the world, otherwise I will get disappointed. I just need to take it one step at a time, and my first step is to work on myself and learn to truly and fully love myself. That way, I will be able to love another person.



Well, that's pretty much that has happened this year. I'm hoping to have more things happen, as I am trying to work on myself and force those good vibes out into the universe.

As always, if anybody has suggestions on things to add to my bucket list, or would be willing to help me with some of the items, please let me know!

I will update more next week!

-A

A New Beginning

Hello all,

Today, I am writing you because I am trying to turn over a new leaf. A new beginning. A fresh start.

I am going to get back into my blog and actually writing in it weekly, even if I haven't done anything on my bucket list. I feel like you should know what's going on with me and where my life has taken me. I haven't really done a whole lot since the last time I updated, but I will post about that next time.

So, this is not an overview post and this will not be about what has happened in the past year, or anything like that, but it this is going to be the first post of many that I will start to publish on the regular. I may not even end up always posting about my bucket list. I may end up posting about a new product I got for free and finally got around to trying it out.

I was tempted to move this blog to WordPress, but I can't see the reason why until I know I will actually continue to post. Also, hosting a domain on there is much more expensive than it is on here. So, I may purchase a domain through Blogger instead.

Anyways, I look forward to actually posting and getting into the habit of posting for all to read. I'm also looking for some creative writing courses to assist me with writing better.

TTFN
-A

Hello again

Well, hello again blog readers!! (if there are any left)

I have many updates, and I've been thinking of trying to start this up again and post on a regular basis.

I would like to know: what day of the week do you most like to read blogs?
I will try to post at least once a week with an update. Right now, I'm not posting a big update since I'm not on a computer.

However, just wait for me to post about a lot of new things that have been happening this past 6 months.

This is The Year Of Change.

-A